What CAN I Say??
Characters: Manager at Stuff4U-Mart
Jenny, new Cashier
Happy Helper Cashiers (HHC) 3
Happy Helper Tree Display Workers(HHTW) Many!
Customers 2-4
Officer Ann E Taylor
Officer Bonnie Fife
Carolers Many!
(At the
beginning, Tree Display crew have brought a couple boxes of ornaments up to the
tree. Cashiers are at their
“registers”. Everyone is “frozen”. To the side, the Manager is completing
paperwork with the new employee as the skit begins. )
Manager: Okey,
Dokey. Glad to have you on board with
us, June!
Jenny:
Thank you , sir.. (smiling,
hesitant) but my name is Jenny.
Manager: Oh,
sure. Well, one last thing for you,
Jackie. We need to have you sign this
contract. No big deal, just basic rules
that our staff here at STUFF4U-Mart live by. (he
unrolls reaaaally long contract)
Jenny: Wow! That’s really a lot.. could you give me a
minute to look over this before I sign it?
Manager: Whatever! Sure! (fake smile, looking at watch, tapping his
pencil)
Jenny: This
is a bit confusing, sir. There is a list
of things I can and can’t say to the customers?
Manager: Oh
yes, we are proud to focus only on things that will make our customers truly
Happy! Then they want to buy more stuff! (Big fake smile).
Jenny: I
can’t say Christmas? I guess I had heard
some stores were doing that. And I can
say stocking, but not swaddling cloth. And I can’t say…
Manager: (Irritated)
Oh, you’re not really going to talk
about swaddling anything here, are you??
Just talk about things that are more important. You know things like the Vikings and the
weather… You can do that, can’t you?? Thatta
girl! (Fake smile) Now just sign here, and we can add you to
our “happy helpers at STUFF4U-Mart”, whose motto is “the more stuff you want,
the more we want you!”
(Jenny looks
confused, but reluctantly signs the contract.
Manager gestures her to come with him, and leads her to the register).
Manager: Great
getting to know you Jessie. Feel free to
ask any questions you may have. (fake smile again)
Jenny: Well,
I do have one question… (Manager is already leaving.. and pretends not to
hear her.)
(Jenny
smiles at others. Everyone goes into
action. Tree crew start decorating. )
HH1:
(talking very fast, as if she’s had too much caffeine) Hi! Jenny, right? Boy are we glad to see you! It’s been crazy here! My head is spinning, and I can’t believe the
questions.. especially for Listerine.
What’s with the need for Listerine? Is there some dental germfest in
town this weekend??.. Well, I think…
HH2:
(yelling at HH1) Ok, hold on! (turns to Jenny) Sorry about Miss Chatterbox over there.
I think she’s had too much coffee again.
HHTW1: You think that’s bad. SOMEBODY(looking over at HHTW2, as if to
blame her) accidentally gave her a
Mountain Dew the other day instead of a Sprite.
We almost had to call the cops!
HHTW2: Hey!
It was an honest mistake. But it was
funny! She was talking like she was
loaded with Helium and performing for “The Chipmunks”.
HH2: Well
anyway, Kit is right about one thing. We
are getting crazy with this holiday season.
My name is Mary, by the way. But
we can’t say that here. That breaks rule
# 3847. So, just call me by my last
name, George.
Jenny: Ok.
Well, I’m curious, George… are you happy here?
HH2: Oh
yes, I like working with lots of money!.. and I can help the customers get the
stuff that makes them happy (big smile)
Cust1: We
were wondering if you could help us?
Cust2:
Yeah, we are trying to find some stuff.
HH3: Sure! (big smile)
Cust2: Well, I
was looking for an angel to have on my table? Would you know where I could find
one?
HH3: Oh ma’am, we don’t have that item in stock,
but we do have other flying creatures.
HHTW2: Yeah! You can find Rudolph and his friends in Aisle
#6,
HHTW1: Dasher
and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen..
HH3:…and the flying monkeys from Oz can be
found in Aisle #3. (pointing to the right)
Cust1: Ok…
Well, what about Christmas trees ornaments or a star for the tree? Where can I find those?
HHTW2: Oh, you want the Holiday decoration
department over by our “Tundra toys”! We
have a wonderful selection of elves, snowmen, and penguins.. (excited) You
know penguins are all the rage this year!
HHTW1: (knodding his head in agreement) My favorite is Kowalski.
HH1: Oooo,
mine’s Skipper! (pretended to imitate with deeper voice) “Chimichanga! These pillows are filled with
baby birds!”
HH2: (talking
to the Cust1)… and you really must check
out Aisle #27. We have some beautiful crystals to go on top of
your holiday tree.
Cust1: Crystals?
HHTW3: ooooh,
they’re so pretty!
HHTW4: Yeah! They remind me of the movie Frozen…
HHTW5: Oh, I
love Elsa’s blue dress! (Big smile)
HH1: Yeah, and the little snowman… what was his
name? Oh, yeah Olaf! And Anna is cold, and Olaf makes a fire for
her… and then he starts melting, but then he says… that’s ok because some
people are worth melting for… Oh I just wanted to cry!
HHTW4: (looking at Chloe) Wow! Someone is really quote-happy today.
HHTW5: Yeah,
just.. Let it Go!
Customer(s):(look
at each other confused... walking away).
Strange…
Jenny: Sooo.. it’s close to Christmas, and we
don’t stock angels or stars??
HHTW6: (shocked, shhhing her) Shhh,
we’re not even supposed to say those words!
Didn’t you read the contract? (Decorating crew finished, leaving…)
Jenny: Yes,
but it just didn’t make sense.
HH1: Hold on… I think our compliance officers
can help you. I’ll page them. (dialing #s and speaking into phone) “Officers Ann E Taylor and Bonnie Fife
please report to the checkout line, I repeat, please report to the checkout
line. Over and out.”
(Officers arrive)
AT: Well,
hello there. How can we help you?
HH2: Jenny
here is new to Stuff4U Mart and doesn’t understand the contract.
BF: Well
here at Stuff4U-Mart, we have 2 rules. The 1st rule is obey all rules!
AT:(clearing her throat)Thanks, Bonnie. Let me just show
her the contract, ok?
Jenny:
Thank you. (She shows her the contract,
and they look over together.) Yeah, here
it is. There are so many vocabulary
regulations… I mean look at it. I am supposed to say happy instead of
joy. I can’t say the words donkey, shepherd,
good news, or say anything about a man being wise. (looking at it more) I’m not even supposed to say
the word TAX. How do I get around that?
AT: Well, that’s a good question…
BF: (clearing her throat loudly) I got this one, Ann E. There is a very logical explanation on page
3, clause #5. (she reads from the
“contract”) One must refrain from the terms register and tax. In the latter case, say: “your involuntary gift to state revenue is
5.5%”!
HH3:
(pointing) Oh look! 9 o’clock!
troop of Boy Scouts coming our way…
(Carolers come in, waving)
Car1: Merry Christmas!! We were wondering if we could sing some
Christmas songs in front of Stuff4UMart?
AT: Well,
that sounds like a fine idea. Just so as
you stick to our preapproved Happy Holiday song list.
Carolers: Your
what??
BF: The
Happy Holiday song list. It’s all right here (getting the list). See…
Car2: So… we can sing Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, Jingle Bells
Car3: All I Want This Holiday Season is My 2
Front Teeth???
Car4: What’s this one? (Car1 looks at the list that Car4 is
pointing to)
Car1: Grandma
Got Run Over By a Reindeer??
BF: (nodding his head, seriously) That’s
a classic.
Car2: Oh yeah, I know how that goes…(singing) “Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walking home from our house Christmas Eve…
BF: Nip
it! Nip it in the bud! Ann E, we have a vocabulary regulation infarction.
AT: Yes, Bonnie’s right. (smiling) I am sorry to say we do have a vocabulary
infraction(taking the songlist, passing to Bonnie) Here double check this list for me, would you Bon? The manager made the list, you check it twice.
BF: Yeah, yeah, Gonna find out who’s naughty
and nice… (looking at the list , pretending to read through it, while
walking away.)
AT: Maybe we’ll just save caroling for another
time. Thank you for coming anyway. It was real nice meeting you. (She shakes hands, waves, walks away)
Carolers
(confused) What were they talking about?
HH3: You’re
not supposed to say the “C” word.
Carolers
(still look confused) Huh? What?
I don’t get it..
(Jenny mouths
“Christmas” to them. The carolers finally
nod their heads, understanding.. then start leaving)
Carolers: Oh, Well thanks anyway. We gotta go… Bye Next stop: Kwik Trip!
Jenny: Ok.. (watching them leave) It seems a bit crazy, I mean why would he even make up all these
rules??
HH2: I
think he just wants us and the customers to be happy. (Manager walks toward them with big fake
smile). I mean, look how happy he is.
Manager:
(calls out) Keep up the good work! Give
Jamie a big welcome to our Happy Helper family! (He gives another smile and
2 thumbs up, then walks on).
HH2: See.
He really cares about us, and I’m sure he wouldn’t make up all these rules
without a good reason.
Jenny: (muttering) Yeah, I can tell he really cares…
(shaking her head) It still
doesn’t make sense. If we are supposed
to care about others, then Christmas is the perfect opportunity to show we
care. I mean, have you thought about the
real meaning of Christmas?? God sent
His Son Jesus to this earth to save us from our sins, to offer forgiveness and
hope for eternity. He is the Way, the
truth and the life.. the only way to heaven. (Everyone looks shocked) I mean
do you hear yourselves? You are talking
on and on… about cartoons!
(everyone still
confused)
Happy Helpers: So what?
Jenny: Don’t
you get it? They’re not even real. I can talk about a bunch of silly stuff, but
about what really matters… I can’t??
It feels like we are choosing to watch cartoons instead of real
life! … like a little child smearing
fingerpaint over a beautiful masterpiece.
HH1: (raising hands in confusion) Whaaat
are you talking about??
(Customer(s) approach Jenny)
Cust3.: I think I am ready for check
out.
HH1:
(whispering to the other Helpers) I
think she’s not the only one!
Jenny: Great,
I will be glad to help you.
Cust3(looking
at Mercy, sad): At least one person seems truly happy.
Jenny: Is
everything ok? (as she is checking out a few items)
Cust3: I
don’t know. I suppose it’s just me, but
I don’t get it. Everywhere I go, I see
lights and hear music. What’s the big
deal anyway? We get a few presents and
it’s all over again for another year.
It’s depressing.
Jenny: You’re
right. I think we like to see the lights
and hear the music as a part of the tradition, but can you imagine what it was
really like to see the Light from heaven and hear the music of angels. (As Jenny is talking, the Happy Helpers are motioning for her
to shhhh, “zip it”, stop!) We open the gifts, but the greatest Gift
was not a present at all, but a person.
We look to find happiness, when what we really need is hope.
Cust3: Aren’t
you afraid to be talking about this nonsense?
Jenny: That’s just it. It’s not nonsense, it’s real. For instance, what day is it today?
Cust4: It’s
Sunday, December 21st, probably around 11:30 am.
Jenny: Of
what year??
Cust4: of
2014
Jenny: Yes,
2014 years after what? After Jesus! Our calendar even reminds us that Jesus came.
Cust4: So Christmas is real!
Jenny: Yes, because it celebrates when Jesus was born.
Anna: But you could get fired…
Jenny: I just
realized… I don’t care if I get fired.
If I care more about that, then I wouldn’t care about you or anyone
else. I can talk about reindeer and
snowmen and crystals and penguins, but why?
Christmas celebrates the greatest story of all of history… of
eternity!.. God loves us and offers hope
to us. What else matters?
Cust3: Wow. (thinking, slowly responds) If
you’re right, then … nothing else matters.
Cust4: So can you help us understand
who God is?
